Okay.. i thought that 2012 is gonna be an awesome year because i spend awesome with Baby that day.. went Sentosa, had good food, watched movie... But things aint better after that.. (yea.. sadly)

okay.. DISCLAIMER: below content are purely my blur-out words.. only valid at this point of time.. might or might not be about anyone or shooting anyone..

I feel like i am in a breaking point where i am sick and tired of what is happening to me.. Yes.. maybe i am not cherishing what i am having.. maybe i am being greedy about life.. YES.. maybe.. but there are thing in life that i want as well..

when you told me that i am not ambitious enough.... not being joke.. i am hurt..
when you told me that do you have something that you wanted badly in life? desperately in life? that even when you will dream about it...

All i can say is.. YES.. I HAVE.. everyone has a dream.. everyone has an ambition.. everyone has a direction of life that they wanna go.. but there are things in life that will block you from doing it.. Reality.. Parents.. People around you.. MANY THINGS...

I believe the time that we went for RAMEN session, i told you what is my ambition.. what is my dream.. But there are times, i have to give up.. There are times that i have to let it go....

Parents.. they want me to get a stable job, get a good guy and married and have my own family.... But i want something more.. but do i have a chance of getting it? Do i have a chance of doing it? NO.. i dont..

I love dancing.. i love to be on the stage.. I have a chance once.. but i couldnt take it.. because they dont want me to be in this mess.. they even threaten me if i take it.. i will lose them.. do i have a choice? i have to give up..

I want to be in the forensic area.. i work so hard for it.. but my parents thinks that no future.. they didnt want me to branch into that..

I always look for things that i love to do.. but i always dont get it.. WHY? because they feel that NO FUTURE!!!

Because of being realistic.. having the NO FUTURE mindset.. i dont have a chance to try out.. i dont have a chance to do so many things.. No matter how desperate i was.. i cant take it..

You know i have an offer.. but i turned it down.. WHY.. because my parents want me to stay here in Singapore.. or even out to other country.. and not BACK THERE... Do i have a choice? NO..

Because every time i want it.. they will use things like.... Family or what you want.. WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? i believe you would wanna choose family eh?

Maybe to you.. I am like a spolit brat.. complaining about my life... complaining about my parents.. complaining about what i am going through every single day.. comparing to you.. all my issues are like tiny small bits.. YES.. I agree.. i dont ever deny that.. i agree with it....

Maybe to you.. your issues are more than i can handle.. but it is not about the handling part.. is about sharing and helping each other out.. If because we are not in the same frequency, we stop sharing.. then what is this all about?

I am trying my best to get to your frequency sometimes.. but.. sometimes, i couldnt.. maybe we really have a gap in between us that is trying to give up problems?

We see things differently.. due to our different experience.. will it ever meet one day?

sometimes i hate to be me myself... i hate myself being so timid and useless.. but to me.. family is more important.. i am sorry.. i guess this is the problem with girls? I can do many things.. i know i am capable of it.. i know i am able to do many things with my ability.. but what can i do? what should i do?

I hate my life too.. very much..


phew.. enough of the blabbling.. maybe whatever i write might hurt.. whatever i write might make certain people feels that i am unreasonable or i am a TOTAL BITCH! or i might even make you dislike me.. or hate me or even feel like.. " this  bitch is hopeless.. im not gonna talk to her ever" or this post might even change you all along thought for me..

All i can say is.. IM SORRY.. but this is what i am feeling at this moment.. at this point of time.. if i really mean to hurt you.. i am sorry..


Lots of love
Nanako